Value what you have

This week has been a very rough week for me and fans of Rishi Kapoor and Irfan khan. The Two most favorites actors of Indian cinema passed way. Both battled cancer and died. Two days first thing in the morning I read in the news was the death of two versatile actors.

Whenever I hear or read about death, my dad comes in front of me. I recollect all that happened on this day in 1997 as if it happened yesterday. My eyes try to capture him more and more because I feel after today I won’t see him. I have his picture in my shrine which I see everyday but seeing in blood and picture is different. He comes in my dreams very often and the dreams are pleasant. The other day I dreamt that he passed away and was going to see to a mortuary.

I was watching a Rishi Kapoor’s movie in which he says value your father when you have him. I may have not listened to him or maybe I disobeyed him, not sure if I have valued him when he was alive. My greatest regret in my life was not obeying him on that day. He told me to get an auto.

That was the last talk and eye contact i had with him. I should have gone to get the auto,at least he would have been calm as while leaving the house he looked upset,maybe he was not well and wanted to avoid a walk?

I have to learn to value what I have.

Working from home

I thank my company whole heartedly for allowing me to work from home. I am enjoying my time at home. I hardly went out since three weeks. Only time I went out is to throw garbage and stood few minutes on the porch to listen to birds chirping.

And my heart goes for people who has frontline jobs and they are going to work. I pray for them everyday.

Working from home made me realize how much I miss human interaction . I miss small talks with my colleagues who sit next to me. I miss the meal sharing during lunch time. I miss hi and hellos in the washroom. I miss my chair.

Working from home has a lot of benefits.

1. No need of getting up early.

2. Can have tea slowly with parle g biscuits.

3. Can enjoy the shower.

4. No need of hair dryer.

5.Eat hot desi breakfast,not bread and egg.

6.No lunches to school,so no plastic lunch boxes.

7. Eating hot lunch’s ,no microwave to re-heat food.

8.Car not moving from the driveway, no pollution and saving on gas.

9.Lots of family time. Used to play games with kids once a week now seven days a week.

10.No junk food or restaurant food for dinner.

 

 

Day 25 Chaos Vs Calm

The calmness in the house kills me.Sometimes when I come home after work, husband takes kids to math classes and house is so calm.

I hate it and feel like going to the math class to bring kids back home. Sometimes I go directly to math classes from work because I don’t want to be in the house without them. I know I am possessive and I am not yet prepared for my kids to leave my nest.

I always prefer a small house where kids are in front me. I always dared to take a big house in which I don’t know where they are until I call them asking where they are. I never give time out to my kids and lock them in their bedrooms. I have been advised that to discipline the child you  have to punish them not to come out of their bedroom for sometime. I will never ever do it.

I want everything to be done in the living room. Reading books,watching TV together,gossiping about friends,sharing secrets….I do give them their space and I too take some time for myself.

Varu was told by her friend that the moment her father comes home , the house has to calm if not her father gets irritated. Your house is made for you and kids. Your house is not complete without your kids. They talk,sing,chatter,fight…it’s like this until they go to bed….

Family that reads,eats,sits,chats,gossips together lives together. That’s my version of Family that’s eat together lives together.

After going through for last three months I took a decision to quit.

It’s unlike me..I was always been a fighter..never quit..but not any more..can’t take the stress any longer..

I am sad that I took this long to decide to quit and happy that I choosed to quit.

First time in my life I realized QUIT is such a big and powerful letter. 

Nothing is more important than your health. If your health and your family is getting effected then one should call it a day. It’s the best decision I have ever taken in my life.

When you can’t do…you can’t do, period.  There is something which a human can’t do. Everyone wants you to go above and beyond. They are not living your life…you are living your life. To know what a person is  going through step into that person shoes and walk the same path. 

Took a week off to get back to normal.

Each passing day….

Each passing day….

Each passing day… The days we spent with you is getting lesser then the days we spent without you.

It’s been 19 years.

I don’t know at this point if I really miss you, I do and I don’t.

I do when I see my age group people are walking stick to their parents, holding hands when they are taking escalators in malls or trying to search for a lift for them or arranging a wheel chair at the airport.

I don’t miss you, I never thought you left us.

And with each passing day the memories are fading. And very few details I recollect now.

Time is the best healer and I don’t want to get healed and fade all my memories with you.

The most distinct memory I have of you is, sitting on the same chair everyday facing the road. What thoughts your are having then? How to raise my girls?

That chair is like having a memory foam that after you left we felt you are sitting their every evening. We never used to sit in that chair after you left, thinking you are there sitting and seeing outside. That chair belongs to you only.

And the sound of motorcycle(jawa) still echoes in my ears. What ever we were doing, the sound made us to stop everything and sit in front of books. Was it fear or respect. Then it was fear but now I realize it was not. It was your way to descipline us to study hard.

When ever I make pudina (mint) chutney I remember you. I know you were foodie so I am..gone on you I suppose.

Many food items remind me of you like jonanna roti, pudina pachadi,fish curry,kheema, list is endless. To top all this your ever ending desire to eat desserts..nothing can beat that.

And the shirt you used to hang in your bedroom. Mom still hangs that shirt in her bedroom inspite of moving our house nana.

Before we didn’t had a picture of you on the wall, now we have it. You are not with us but you are looking at us.

I remember the glow in your eyes when I brought you a shirt with my first salary. You wored it and stood in front of the mirror like a child who was given a new shirt. The happiness and pride you had in your eyes I can never forget.

When I brought my car and took it to work on 1st day, there were no one to call me at work to check on me whether I reached safely. You called me at work when I took kinetic Honda first time to work.

Five rupees you always used to promise to give me if I keep my mouth shut for five minutes…I never got five rupees from you, it’s not you never gave..I can’t  close my mouth even for five minutes.

I have a screw driver which you used to use. I always use it here when I have to fix something. That screw driver has small light at the end and it is a screw driver cum tester which glows when it gets into contact with electricity.

when I speak to pedannana(dad’s elder brother) I feel I am talking to you. He tells me not to spend money by calling him, he will call me. I tell him I didn’t had an opportunity to spend anything on my dad pls allow me to call him.In my next visit to India I am going to see him, will show my kids  their tatha.

I missed it…

The main draw back of living outside Hyderabad is you are not able to attend any ceremonies nor you can see a person for the last time.
Recently my uncle has passed away suddenly, the only thing I did was shed  tears. He was my mom’ younger brother and have childhood memories with him. The last time I met him was when he had open heart surgery and my mom visited him just few days before he passed away.

Then there was my cousin’s housewarming ceremony. All my cousins and my sisters attended that function and I was missed there.

Yesterday my cousin sister’s daughter got engaged and I am sitting here and crying. I so wanted to go but can’t. My girl’s passports has gone for renewal and also I have to see the cost involved .  Spoke to my sister and first thing she said to me was she missed me and my girls. I am very happy that her daughter is getting married. She and myself don’t share same mother but she is my elder sister. She came to live with us and help my mom when she was 10 years old. Wanted to write about her I am falling short of words. Will write it soon….